Senior year- adversity

Just want to say thank you to all of you! My college volleyball careeer ended in November and it was the most challenging, yet best season I've had. I couldn't have done it without the experience I gained through the summer internship and through the strength I received from God.  I felt like sharing this with you guys. Sorry it's long, but if you have a few minutes, I hope you find encouragement through reading it.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

After my internship, I learned more what it meant to play with freedom. I felt so much joy when I played that year. The end of my junior year I asked god to teach me to play with freedom in the midst of adversity. Sure enough he answered my prayer over the next 8 months during my senior season.

My mom, who was my #1 fan, had been battling Colon cancer for the past 6 years. She had gotten really sick In April and went to the hospital. She got a little better over the summer but then got more sick right when my season started.

I was going to school, playing volleyball, trying to pour into my team as a captain, trying to run Fca on my campus, and driving to see my mom at the hospital as much as I could.

During preseason practices i was planning a funeral knowing that mom probably only had a few days or weeks to live.  I was exhausted from practices and not sleeping well in the hospital and frustrated that I couldn't live a normal life like the rest of my college teammates. Every day was challenging because I had to decide daily if I should go to class, play volleyball or spend a few hours with my mom.

Volleyball became different for me. Playing became more of a coping mechanism than something I did because I loved it.  I struggled to bring energy to my team because my mind  was still in the hospital room.  To me it felt like I wasn't playing with freedom compared to my definition of freedom I experienced my junior year right after the internship.

I wanted to enjoy my senior season and finish well, but it took everything I had to just be present on the court.  I remembered the prayer that I had the end of my junior yeAr and realized that God was answering it.

Sometimes I thought freedom was impossible. Even though it wasn't pretty or perfect and freedom was hard to fight for daily,  the adversity I faced caused me to depend more on God cause I couldn't have made it on my own strength.

My mom passed away September 22.   I played in a match the next day and practiced just a few hours after the funeral. Crazy, I know.

Somehow through all of the adversity and fighting for freedom on and off the volleyball court, I had my best season.  I look back and am amazed by what God did. All I can say is that God  is good. We are blessed. He is all we need.

God continues to work

 

Just because my volleyball season is over, doesn't mean God is done using me.  After season ended I felt like everything that I focused on for the last nine months ended just like that.  From February when I found out I got the internship and began off-season practices, to late May when I got to Cali and began the most increadible experience of my life, to Ausust when I returned to Arkansas and wondered how God was going to use me to be a leader on my team, and to November when my season ended before I was ready.  I cried many tears.  I was so sad that the season was over, but in awe of all that God had done.  I asked myself, "Now what?" 

After spending a few weeks reflecting, resting, and getting my grades back up, one of my teammates and close friends spent a lot of time together praying and talking about FCA.  There was talk about getting it restarted by another athletes, but things fell through and they weren't able to lead it. 

I kept feeling a tug on my heart about FCA after season.   I remembered when I went to an FCA huddle my freshman year and wondered who would lead it after the current leader left.  Even before I knew about the internship, I felt like God was putting that leadership position on my heart even though I was terrified of the idea at the time. 

My teammate and I had some meetings with the athletic director and sent an email out to coaches.  We had no idea what this was going to look like or if anyone would even be interested.  Soon after,we got some responses from coaches who gave us names of players that might be interested in being a part of FCA, and one email from the new tennis coach who asked us to come to his office to talk about this.  It was such a blessing to meet the tennis coach who had served with FCA for many years at the high school he used to coach at.  He gave us many resources and ideas and encouraged us to get this going.

A few weeks after we returned from Christmas break, we had our first FCA leadership team meeting with about 20 other JBU athletes, the tennis coach, and a local FCA area directer who were interested in this idea.  We met weekly for about a month to define what FCA was going to look like on our campus and figuring out what gifts we had that we could use to serve our campus and community through FCA.  We now have 6 different committtes that our leadership team is serving in.  Our first kick-off event  is in a week from today where all JBU athletes and students are invited to hear what FCA is all about!

I am so blessed to have this community of athletes who love God and want to serve their community and learn what it means to be a better leader on their teams. 

A year ago I would have never expected this to happen or believed that God could use me.  One thing I learned is that "God doesn't always call the equipped, but He will equip those He calls."  Not feeling equipped caused me to depend on Him and trust Him more, which created room for God to do bigger things than I could have ever imagined.   Check out these links to see more about FCA at JBU  http://advocate.jbu.edu/?q=node/734                     http://advocate.jbu.edu/?q=node/708

 

End of Season

My season ended about two weeks ago.  I feel like I invested the last 9 months into this season (3 months in off-season, 3 months learning, growing and preparing in California, and 3 months in season. It's crazy that it's over already. 

I am so grateful to have interned with FCA volleyball this summer.  It changed the way I played, helped me become a better leader on my team, and helped me know God more.  My entire volleyball career I've tried to find my identity in the sport of volleyball.  I was overly concerned about my playing time, what coaches, teammates, fans, parents thought of me, and the result of winning and losing.  I would come in to season on a spiritual high ready to play volleyball for God, but by the end of season I was totally burned out and ready to be done with the season because my identity was in volleyball and not in God.

Previous Seasons                                                                                 This season
-I played for God.                                                                   -I was able to play with God.
-I played with fear.                                                                - I was able to play with joy and freedom.
-I was jealous of teammates.                                                 - I was able to love my teammates.
- I held on to my mistakes.                                                    - I laughed off mistakes (literally).
-I was defeated when I was benched.                                    - I was not shaken when I was taken out.
- I thought I was more important because I was a starter.     - I realized that everyone was important.
- I was so frustrated with losing.                                            -Process is more important than results.

Many people think that college athletics is stressful and all about perfomance, but I don't think that is how God intended it to be.  There were definitely times when I was stressed this season but overall I don't view the season as stressful.  I felt a new love for the game and had a blast playing with freedom.  I've never laughed and smiled so much playing college volleyball.
My team adopted the idea of playing with freedom and seeked to understand what that meant. We believed that loving each other on the court and giving our all is more important than winning.  We noticed that when we were loving and encouraging each other was when we played the best and often led to wins.

 This season was full of so many trials which reminded us that the Christian life isn't always easy.  We began pre-season 16-3 and beat some pretty good teams.  After what seemed like was a great season, we went 3-8 in conference, had a few injuries, and cut a player from the team.  These trials allowed sin to creep in which prevented us from being able to love well.  We ran sprints (at midnight), had many heart to heart conversations to try to figure out why we weren't loving each other on the court and why that resulted in us losing so much. 
God was breaking us down.  We hated the things we went through, but in the end it brought us closer to God and to each other.  There was one point in the season when my coaches were broken and had to make some hard decisions.  Before one of our biggest conference matches, one of my coaches pulled me out of the locker room with tears in her eyes.  She said, "I have always liked the idea of playing/ coaching with freedom, but I still don't know what it means for  me, especially at this point in the season."  My teammates and I also felt this way.  Once we were broken and realized our need for Him, we began to love each other well again and play with more freedom. 
Last year at this point I was tired of volleyball and felt distant from God.  The internship helped me realize that my identity lies in Christ and that I am loved unconditionally regardless of how good I am of a volleyball player I am.

 

       

Life after the internship

As scared and nervous as I was about coming back home, God has been with me and already doing some pretty awesome things on my team.  I didn't know what things would look like on my team when I got back.  I knew that my team was full of wonderful girls who loved God and wanted to play for Him but there is a big difference in doing things for God and with God.  I am also one of the four captains on my team this season and didn't know what my role would be. 

It has only been a week but the way I play and view my team is so different than any other season.  I don't see my teammates as competition for playing time, get mad at them as easily when they mess up, and have been more intentional with them on and off the court. 

I have been able to talk to some of my teammates about my summer and how God has changed the way I play volleyball.  There are a few girls on my team who are really interested in the idea of laying with God and how to have freedom when we play. 

Last night we watched a video "Beware of Christians," and had great discussions after as a team.  I was in tears because it made me think so much of California and the vision that God gave me of this team.  What I experienced in California is beginning to happen on my team (only without the beach and the nice weather). ;) Many of the girls opened up about convictions and visions for the team.

One of my roles as a captain is to bring the team together for prayer and I have also gotten permission to lead "refocus moments."  I never thought that would happen! 

Today I got to lead a devo about playing with freedom.  I got to share about what God showed me this summer- identity, comparison, success, and playing with God.  It is something that I am still learning but it is exciting to connect with God and my teammates every time I step on the court.  I'm beginning to notice a change in my teammates. Praise God!

Why do I doubt God? He has already done so much more in the last few days than I expected to happened this season. 

Week 10

I have been dreading the last week all summer.  This has by far been the best summer of my life and I have not been looking forward to going back home.

The last week was full of packing, watching the Olympics (Go Christa!), last trips to Banzai bowl and frozen yogurt, last teaching talks,workouts, and saying our goodbyes/ see ya laters.  It was definitely a very emotional week for me and I wasn't ready to leave.  I have never been in a community that was so loving and so accepting and was so intentional of knowing God more.  I had the fear that I was never going to have anything like that again. 

Through out the week, I had received so much affirmation from FCAV and from God that something great was going to happen back at home and that this time, God was going back with me.  As Meghan would say, "You don't have to go back, you get to go back."  After my meeting with the staff, I was beginning to get excited about going home. 

The night before we all left was one of the best nights of the summer. After eating dinner at BJs and enjoying our last pizzookie, we went back to the house for a surprise.  When we walked into the house, all the lights were off and candles were lit.  We began the night by walking around the house and allowing God to remind us of all of the memories and conversations that took place.  That alone put me in tears but that was just the beginning of it.  After walking around the house, we sat and prayed/ journaled about what God revealed to us this summer and had a time of worship. During all of this we got to write down our thoughts on a big poster board and paint a big canvas.  So many powerful words and images were painted. Lastly, all of the interns had our feet washed by the FCAV staff.  During one of our prayer/ journal sessions we were given a piece of paper with all of our teammates names on it from back home.  As soon as I saw the names I started crying... again.  I new God had something big planned for these girls! 

I think one of the biggest verses that hit me this summer was actually the first one I read on my flight to California.  Jesus says in Luke 17:20-21, "The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, nor will people say, 'here it is, or there it is, because the kingdom of God is within you." No matter if I am in California, back in Arkansas, on or off the volleyball court, God is WITH me wherever I go. :)

Week 9

     Sorry (Graeme) that I'm a little late in writing this blog post. It was a busy last two weeks in South Carolina and getting ready to go home.

Week 9 we went to South Carolina for a big FCAV camp. There were about 30 coaches across the country that came to meet us in South Carolina to coach and be huddle leaders at the camp.  It's amazing to see the talent that God brought together to impact His kingdom through volleyball. My assistant coach from JBU got to come too so it was so great to see her and allow her to see part of what I was able to experience over the summer!  I'm so excited to see what she brings to the team this upcoming season! 

Before camp, we did lots of training, playing and some bonding time at the lake.  We went to Clemson where the dream of FCAV first began.  It's crazy that the vision started in South Carolina but has spread all over the country and the world! 

The camps we ran in Cali were partnered with private schools and were only about 3 hours long. South Carolina was much different.  We partnered with 28 public schools, 2 Christian schools which came to a total of about 300 campers.  We had very busy days: 2 practices, meals with the campers, huddle groups, and a message at night.  We were exhausted but it was so worth it.  My role was to be a gym director, coach and huddle leader.  I was over four teams in one gym and took on the "spiritual leader" role.  My job was to maintain a free, positive, and hardworking atmosphere.  I lead refocus moments to make sure that every one's minds were on the right track- focusing on God and others rather than mistakes, stress, and pride.  I also helped coach a team during practices and lead their huddle group after messages. 

After getting to visit UCLA FCA camp earlier in the summer, I was looking forward to going to South Carolina and running camp.  I had a blast and loved the environment at UCLA.  South Carolina was probably one of the toughest weeks for me though.  I felt like Satan was constantly attacking me which affected my energy and confidence as a leader the first day of camp.  The first night of huddles were okay, but not as good as I expected.  At that point I decided to give my struggles to God.  Although I had been looking forward to this week for so long, this week was not about me.  It was about impacting the girls I coached and serving God as I did it.  Once I switched my mentality the week got better.

The second night at camp was one of the greatest nights of the summer.  We had our message in the volleyball gym and used the court as our stage. We began by playing a volleyball game to introduce the idea that doing life with God leads to freedom.  This was one of the most exciting games that I have ever played in and I believed that it was eye opening to the 300 campers in the stands.  Even though was having a rough few days, I felt peace, joy and freedom in this game.  The ironic thing is that this could have easily been one of the most frustrating games that I have ever played in.  On the court were several current/ former division 1 players, girls who trained for the U.S. national team, and me who plays at a little school in Arkansas.  I intentionally practiced playing with God in this game, especially because I needed Him so much that week.  I was not worried about the score, who was on the other side of the net, what position I was playing.  I was so focused on the moment of encountering God as I played volleyball and the love of the teammates around me and the opponents on the other side of the net.  It was a beautiful thing.

Unfortunately this is not how most of the world plays volleyball or lives life.  We play or live life with stress and fear.  We compare so easily and find our identity and success in the thing we do rather than in God.  This game was a perfect message to the campers and so many great conversations happened in the huddle groups after.  In my group, almost all of the girls opened up about deep issues in their life, half of the girls were in tears and wanting more of Jesus in their life, and a few of the recommitted their lives. 

On the last day of camp we ran a tournament for the teams.  My team played well all day and won their pool.  I could tell that they were playing with God by the peace and freedom and love for their teammates that they showed.  When it came to the final match though, things began to change.  There was more pressure in this game than the previous games.  In the finals, the girls played in front of the rest of the campers, had more pressure from their coach, and the cost of winning  or losing. The girls weren't playing well and were very stressed as they played.  I did my best to encourage them from the sidelines but it didn't change their stress level or mine.  We lost the first set and the second set got off to an even worse start.  During the timeout I was asked to pray for freedom.  I have never prayed in a timeout so it was a little different for me.  As I prayed, I felt a huge sense of peace come over me, and the girls said they felt it too.  The girls went out and began to play so much better.  They didn't end up winning, but they felt more freedom.  We had more great conversations in our huddles after about playing with freedom.  It's so cool that God did all that through a volleyball camp!
praying huddle

week 8

This is my last full week in the state of California (this summer at least).  We are leaving next Monday to go to South Carolina for some more FCAV camps, and then we only have a few more days in Cali once we are back from South Carolina. :(  I have mixed feelings about leaving.  I am so grateful that God has allowed me to come be in a solid, loving community, but I am also exctied to see what God does once I go back to my community in Arkansas.

After a week off of our normal schedule, we are back to our normal work schedule.  We had camp at Mariners Christian School where most of the girls in the small group I leave are from.  It's so fun to get to know them more and more and see how God is working in their lives.  I was the camp director at our last camp, and this week i have a much smaller role- assistant court coach.  When I was camp director, it was so much easier to rely on God's strength because it was a big task that I had not done before. As assistant court coach my role is to lead a session or two and encourage/ critique players.  Technically it is an "easier" job than being camp director, but I forget that I need God just as much.  It is easy for me to forget God in the "small" areas of my life.  I think that I can do it on my own because I have done it before.  I might be able to get through these areas without focusing on God, but doing these things without focusing on Him is not doing things the way He wants to do them.  If I were to focus on God even in the small things in life, I would be able to hear from Him better, and be able to do things in His will and purpose and not my own. 

As I have mentioned in previous blog posts, I am learning to play volleyball with God.  Just as beginning any relationship, including our relationship with Christ, takes intentionality and communication, learning to play volleyball with God takes practice and focus.  This week I was able to hear from God as I played more than ever!  Before practice I read the verse Philippians 4:4-9,
"Rejoice in the Lord always... Let your gentleness be evident to all because the Lord is near. Do not be anxious abut ANYTHING but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is true.. noble.. right.. pure.. lovely.. admireble.. focus on these things."
Before practice I asked myself, "what would this look like on the vb court? To be so secure in Christ that I wasn't anxious about anything. No anxiety about messing up, about winning or losing, about what others think of me, about my stats...? I think that others can know that we are playing with God by the peace and gentleness and confidence I have. It seems crazy that God would ask me to apply this to a sport that is full of competition and sressful moments.

During practice God gave me many opportunites to apply this verse.   I practiced with FCAV and was asked to set because there weren't enough setters. I was setting D1 players and against a US national setter and I'm not even a setter! Did I do a good job as a setter? NOT AT ALL!  There were so many moments of anxiety. I sure didn't apply that scripture perfectly in the beginning. I was frustrated with myself, afraid that others were frustrated with me, constanly comparing myself to the other setter (I was the better one ;) ).

 One of my teammates came up to me and could tell I was frutstrated. He said something simple, "Its okay.  We love you and God still loves you.  You are free to make mistakes. It's going to happen." Through that accountability, I was able to refocus and find my freedom and identity in Christ. I still made plenty of  mistakes after, but my faith and identity was not shaken. I had more peace after that and was able to walk out of the gym without questioning my identity as I would have in the past. I don't even remember if we won or lost the game (I think we lost)!  Winning or losing and my performance didn't matter compared to getting to know Christ more in that practice.  Isn't is so cool that we can grow in our faith on a volleyball court?

God revealed Himself in so many ways to me and the other interns on Thursday.  For me personally, I got to encounter God through the teaching that we had after our workout.  A man named Gus from Athletes in Action came and spoke to us about loving God more.  As Gus shared parts of his testimony with us, i felt as if God was sitting in that room speaking to us.  Gus had such an intimate relationship with God unlike I had ever seen before.  He didn't just know about God, he really knew God and loved God.  I was in tears.  Gus understands the purpose of life- to know God more.  The way he loved God, life, his family and others is something I desire to have.  Even the hug he gave me put me in tears.  It felt as if Jesus gave me that hug.

All of the camps and training we have been doing have been preparing us for our South Carolina trip!  We are leaving on Monday at 4am!  I will be a gym director and huddle leader and expect God to do some pretty neat things!  Can't wait to blog about it :)