Life after the internship

As scared and nervous as I was about coming back home, God has been with me and already doing some pretty awesome things on my team.  I didn't know what things would look like on my team when I got back.  I knew that my team was full of wonderful girls who loved God and wanted to play for Him but there is a big difference in doing things for God and with God.  I am also one of the four captains on my team this season and didn't know what my role would be. 

It has only been a week but the way I play and view my team is so different than any other season.  I don't see my teammates as competition for playing time, get mad at them as easily when they mess up, and have been more intentional with them on and off the court. 

I have been able to talk to some of my teammates about my summer and how God has changed the way I play volleyball.  There are a few girls on my team who are really interested in the idea of laying with God and how to have freedom when we play. 

Last night we watched a video "Beware of Christians," and had great discussions after as a team.  I was in tears because it made me think so much of California and the vision that God gave me of this team.  What I experienced in California is beginning to happen on my team (only without the beach and the nice weather). ;) Many of the girls opened up about convictions and visions for the team.

One of my roles as a captain is to bring the team together for prayer and I have also gotten permission to lead "refocus moments."  I never thought that would happen! 

Today I got to lead a devo about playing with freedom.  I got to share about what God showed me this summer- identity, comparison, success, and playing with God.  It is something that I am still learning but it is exciting to connect with God and my teammates every time I step on the court.  I'm beginning to notice a change in my teammates. Praise God!

Why do I doubt God? He has already done so much more in the last few days than I expected to happened this season. 

Week 10

I have been dreading the last week all summer.  This has by far been the best summer of my life and I have not been looking forward to going back home.

The last week was full of packing, watching the Olympics (Go Christa!), last trips to Banzai bowl and frozen yogurt, last teaching talks,workouts, and saying our goodbyes/ see ya laters.  It was definitely a very emotional week for me and I wasn't ready to leave.  I have never been in a community that was so loving and so accepting and was so intentional of knowing God more.  I had the fear that I was never going to have anything like that again. 

Through out the week, I had received so much affirmation from FCAV and from God that something great was going to happen back at home and that this time, God was going back with me.  As Meghan would say, "You don't have to go back, you get to go back."  After my meeting with the staff, I was beginning to get excited about going home. 

The night before we all left was one of the best nights of the summer. After eating dinner at BJs and enjoying our last pizzookie, we went back to the house for a surprise.  When we walked into the house, all the lights were off and candles were lit.  We began the night by walking around the house and allowing God to remind us of all of the memories and conversations that took place.  That alone put me in tears but that was just the beginning of it.  After walking around the house, we sat and prayed/ journaled about what God revealed to us this summer and had a time of worship. During all of this we got to write down our thoughts on a big poster board and paint a big canvas.  So many powerful words and images were painted. Lastly, all of the interns had our feet washed by the FCAV staff.  During one of our prayer/ journal sessions we were given a piece of paper with all of our teammates names on it from back home.  As soon as I saw the names I started crying... again.  I new God had something big planned for these girls! 

I think one of the biggest verses that hit me this summer was actually the first one I read on my flight to California.  Jesus says in Luke 17:20-21, "The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, nor will people say, 'here it is, or there it is, because the kingdom of God is within you." No matter if I am in California, back in Arkansas, on or off the volleyball court, God is WITH me wherever I go. :)

Week 9

     Sorry (Graeme) that I'm a little late in writing this blog post. It was a busy last two weeks in South Carolina and getting ready to go home.

Week 9 we went to South Carolina for a big FCAV camp. There were about 30 coaches across the country that came to meet us in South Carolina to coach and be huddle leaders at the camp.  It's amazing to see the talent that God brought together to impact His kingdom through volleyball. My assistant coach from JBU got to come too so it was so great to see her and allow her to see part of what I was able to experience over the summer!  I'm so excited to see what she brings to the team this upcoming season! 

Before camp, we did lots of training, playing and some bonding time at the lake.  We went to Clemson where the dream of FCAV first began.  It's crazy that the vision started in South Carolina but has spread all over the country and the world! 

The camps we ran in Cali were partnered with private schools and were only about 3 hours long. South Carolina was much different.  We partnered with 28 public schools, 2 Christian schools which came to a total of about 300 campers.  We had very busy days: 2 practices, meals with the campers, huddle groups, and a message at night.  We were exhausted but it was so worth it.  My role was to be a gym director, coach and huddle leader.  I was over four teams in one gym and took on the "spiritual leader" role.  My job was to maintain a free, positive, and hardworking atmosphere.  I lead refocus moments to make sure that every one's minds were on the right track- focusing on God and others rather than mistakes, stress, and pride.  I also helped coach a team during practices and lead their huddle group after messages. 

After getting to visit UCLA FCA camp earlier in the summer, I was looking forward to going to South Carolina and running camp.  I had a blast and loved the environment at UCLA.  South Carolina was probably one of the toughest weeks for me though.  I felt like Satan was constantly attacking me which affected my energy and confidence as a leader the first day of camp.  The first night of huddles were okay, but not as good as I expected.  At that point I decided to give my struggles to God.  Although I had been looking forward to this week for so long, this week was not about me.  It was about impacting the girls I coached and serving God as I did it.  Once I switched my mentality the week got better.

The second night at camp was one of the greatest nights of the summer.  We had our message in the volleyball gym and used the court as our stage. We began by playing a volleyball game to introduce the idea that doing life with God leads to freedom.  This was one of the most exciting games that I have ever played in and I believed that it was eye opening to the 300 campers in the stands.  Even though was having a rough few days, I felt peace, joy and freedom in this game.  The ironic thing is that this could have easily been one of the most frustrating games that I have ever played in.  On the court were several current/ former division 1 players, girls who trained for the U.S. national team, and me who plays at a little school in Arkansas.  I intentionally practiced playing with God in this game, especially because I needed Him so much that week.  I was not worried about the score, who was on the other side of the net, what position I was playing.  I was so focused on the moment of encountering God as I played volleyball and the love of the teammates around me and the opponents on the other side of the net.  It was a beautiful thing.

Unfortunately this is not how most of the world plays volleyball or lives life.  We play or live life with stress and fear.  We compare so easily and find our identity and success in the thing we do rather than in God.  This game was a perfect message to the campers and so many great conversations happened in the huddle groups after.  In my group, almost all of the girls opened up about deep issues in their life, half of the girls were in tears and wanting more of Jesus in their life, and a few of the recommitted their lives. 

On the last day of camp we ran a tournament for the teams.  My team played well all day and won their pool.  I could tell that they were playing with God by the peace and freedom and love for their teammates that they showed.  When it came to the final match though, things began to change.  There was more pressure in this game than the previous games.  In the finals, the girls played in front of the rest of the campers, had more pressure from their coach, and the cost of winning  or losing. The girls weren't playing well and were very stressed as they played.  I did my best to encourage them from the sidelines but it didn't change their stress level or mine.  We lost the first set and the second set got off to an even worse start.  During the timeout I was asked to pray for freedom.  I have never prayed in a timeout so it was a little different for me.  As I prayed, I felt a huge sense of peace come over me, and the girls said they felt it too.  The girls went out and began to play so much better.  They didn't end up winning, but they felt more freedom.  We had more great conversations in our huddles after about playing with freedom.  It's so cool that God did all that through a volleyball camp!
praying huddle

week 8

This is my last full week in the state of California (this summer at least).  We are leaving next Monday to go to South Carolina for some more FCAV camps, and then we only have a few more days in Cali once we are back from South Carolina. :(  I have mixed feelings about leaving.  I am so grateful that God has allowed me to come be in a solid, loving community, but I am also exctied to see what God does once I go back to my community in Arkansas.

After a week off of our normal schedule, we are back to our normal work schedule.  We had camp at Mariners Christian School where most of the girls in the small group I leave are from.  It's so fun to get to know them more and more and see how God is working in their lives.  I was the camp director at our last camp, and this week i have a much smaller role- assistant court coach.  When I was camp director, it was so much easier to rely on God's strength because it was a big task that I had not done before. As assistant court coach my role is to lead a session or two and encourage/ critique players.  Technically it is an "easier" job than being camp director, but I forget that I need God just as much.  It is easy for me to forget God in the "small" areas of my life.  I think that I can do it on my own because I have done it before.  I might be able to get through these areas without focusing on God, but doing these things without focusing on Him is not doing things the way He wants to do them.  If I were to focus on God even in the small things in life, I would be able to hear from Him better, and be able to do things in His will and purpose and not my own. 

As I have mentioned in previous blog posts, I am learning to play volleyball with God.  Just as beginning any relationship, including our relationship with Christ, takes intentionality and communication, learning to play volleyball with God takes practice and focus.  This week I was able to hear from God as I played more than ever!  Before practice I read the verse Philippians 4:4-9,
"Rejoice in the Lord always... Let your gentleness be evident to all because the Lord is near. Do not be anxious abut ANYTHING but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is true.. noble.. right.. pure.. lovely.. admireble.. focus on these things."
Before practice I asked myself, "what would this look like on the vb court? To be so secure in Christ that I wasn't anxious about anything. No anxiety about messing up, about winning or losing, about what others think of me, about my stats...? I think that others can know that we are playing with God by the peace and gentleness and confidence I have. It seems crazy that God would ask me to apply this to a sport that is full of competition and sressful moments.

During practice God gave me many opportunites to apply this verse.   I practiced with FCAV and was asked to set because there weren't enough setters. I was setting D1 players and against a US national setter and I'm not even a setter! Did I do a good job as a setter? NOT AT ALL!  There were so many moments of anxiety. I sure didn't apply that scripture perfectly in the beginning. I was frustrated with myself, afraid that others were frustrated with me, constanly comparing myself to the other setter (I was the better one ;) ).

 One of my teammates came up to me and could tell I was frutstrated. He said something simple, "Its okay.  We love you and God still loves you.  You are free to make mistakes. It's going to happen." Through that accountability, I was able to refocus and find my freedom and identity in Christ. I still made plenty of  mistakes after, but my faith and identity was not shaken. I had more peace after that and was able to walk out of the gym without questioning my identity as I would have in the past. I don't even remember if we won or lost the game (I think we lost)!  Winning or losing and my performance didn't matter compared to getting to know Christ more in that practice.  Isn't is so cool that we can grow in our faith on a volleyball court?

God revealed Himself in so many ways to me and the other interns on Thursday.  For me personally, I got to encounter God through the teaching that we had after our workout.  A man named Gus from Athletes in Action came and spoke to us about loving God more.  As Gus shared parts of his testimony with us, i felt as if God was sitting in that room speaking to us.  Gus had such an intimate relationship with God unlike I had ever seen before.  He didn't just know about God, he really knew God and loved God.  I was in tears.  Gus understands the purpose of life- to know God more.  The way he loved God, life, his family and others is something I desire to have.  Even the hug he gave me put me in tears.  It felt as if Jesus gave me that hug.

All of the camps and training we have been doing have been preparing us for our South Carolina trip!  We are leaving on Monday at 4am!  I will be a gym director and huddle leader and expect God to do some pretty neat things!  Can't wait to blog about it :)

 

Week 7.3

The rest of this week was pretty relaxing.  It was nice getting a little break from camps/ a working environment and get to know the interns and others out of the FCAV "working" environment. 

We got to spend July 4th on the beach all day!  We got to the beach at 6:30 am to reserve a court and played beach all day with the FCAV family.  When it was time for the fireworks we all camped out  next to each other on the beach. It was definitely one of the best ways to spend the 4th of July! The only down side about the day was having to say bye to our friend, Jordan Cheng, who is leaving for an internship in Taiwan. :( Jordan has been like a brother to all of us.  He has an awesome testimony and loves others deeply with all of his heart.  The love he displays is a love that can only come from God. 

Jordan- Thanks for being a great friend and for hosting us in your awesome home in Utah!  You were a great camp director and touched so many lives, including mine.  I miss ya already!

Thursday we had a meeting to get ready for our South Carolina tirp. We leave on July 16th and will be running a few camps out there.  All of the camp and leadership training we have done up to this point is getting us ready for South Carolina.  In South Carolina we will be spread out and have more leadership responsibilities.  We will be leading a huddle group and be the "spiritual coaches" to young players.  I am getting excited about this trip and am so excited that Coach Witham (my assistant coach at JBU) is coming! :)

Thursday night we had our family night dinner together with the inerns and staff.  Family night is always full of great food, great conversations and lots of laughter!  After dinner we played some games and watched all of the inern application videos.  It is so cool to see how God has worked in all of our lives.  Making that video was only the beginning of this wonderful journey.  Actually for me it was more of a halfway point since I wanted this internship for so long! I am still so grateful to be here.  It is so cool to look back and see the person that I was when I made that video.  I already feel like a new person.  The things I said in that video were true, but now those words have so much more depth and meaning to them.  Praise God. :)

Friday was a relaing sabbath and a supporter dinner at Lauren's house.  We are so blessed to be able to have home cooked meals and time to spend with supporters of FCAV.  After dinner some of us went and played in an open gym.  This was the first time have had the opportunity to play in a game setting- a team, an opponent, and a scoreboard.  It was a perfect opportunity to apply all that I had learned about playing with God in a more competitve environment.  We lost both of our games but I feel like I played with God more than ever before. 

Here is what I wrote in my journal after:
7/6/12
Playing with God give me peace, joy, and confidence in Christ.  Playing becomes an act of worship and overflowing thankfulness to Him who blessed me with the body and talent to play the sport that He created.  I find peace in the midst of trials and chaos.  I don't focus on the score but the teammates and opponents around me.  I see the image and characterics of Christ through my teammates and oppentnts.  The peace allows me to quickly forgive my teammates and myself when mistakes are made.  I am able to rejoice when others succeed because we are a body of Christ. 

The week ended with a few hello's and goodbyes.  I had to say bye to my investment lady/ mentor, Kelly.  I have been blessed by Kelly in soo many ways.  There is so much that I could say, but to keep it simple, Kelly has made a huge impact on my life and has given me such great wisom from God.  I have realized how important having a spiritual mentor in your life is. 

Lastly, two of my former teammates from JBU who live in Cali got to come hang out with me in Hutington.  It was so good to see them and share with them about my life out in Cali.  I think they are crazy for going to school in Arkansas after growing up in Cali.  Who could leave this place? I sure don't want to. :)

week 7.2

We are over halfway through the summer and are switching from sand volleyball to indoor volleyball so we can get ready for our upcoming seasons.  I loved playing sand volleyball and hope that I will be able to play more competitively some day.  Now it's time to focus on court!  I'm still not sure if i like sand or court volleyball more.

Tuesday was our first day to train indoor, other than playing a little bit here and there at the camps we run.  It is so funny watching and listening to the excitement of volleyball players getting ready to play indoor.  Even at 6 am, everyone was extra awake this morning because of the opportunity of getting to play indoor again.  Every time I am able to put on my knee pads and ankle braces is a blessing.  I quickly forget how much of a blessing it is. 

The first day of playing indoor was an extra blessing.  US Men's national players, John Winder and Andy Hein trained us- HOW COOL!?!  Both of them do such a great job of creating an environment that allows us to grow both spiritually and physically.  Our goal is not only to become better volleyball players, but to connect with God as we are practicing the sport we love and that He created.  Today's focus was being in the moment and making the most of it.  As an athlete, I create unnecessary extra pressure by thinking too far ahead in games or in life.  In reality, I can't control the past or the future, only the present.  This idea applies to life also.  We constantly plan and worry about the next day rather than being in the moment that God has given us. 

One fear that I had before I came to Cali was that I would compare my playing abilities to others.  When I found out who the other interns were and where they went to school, I was a little intimidated.  The reason why I was intimidated was because I was still finding part of my identity in who I was as a volleyball player and not who I was in the eyes of Christ.  Yes, volleyball is a big part of me, but it is not all that I am.  When I was younger, I didn't know who I was other than a volleyball player.  I was the girl who lived by the quote "Eat, sleep, play volleyball."  And as embarrassing as this is now, I was even once a volleyball for Halloween, the best looking volleyball. ;)  I realized how much of my life was wrapped around volleyball and how much my identity was in volleyball growing up.  Over the past few years and even now I am continuing to learn that I am first, a daughter of God, and secondly, I am a volleyball player, a student, a friend.....  When I first find my identity in Christ, I am more free to play the other roles in life.

Even as we learn about our identity in Christ, it is still easy for us to go back to our old ways and begin to compare.  One thing we did before practice was pray against the desire to compare and to continue find our identity in Christ.  There is a variety of skill level here- girls who played in high school to girls who played at small colleges to girls who played division 1 and plan on playing overseas to men's collegiate and national players.  It is such a wide variety of skill level but all equal in the eyes of Christ.  God has given us different gifts and talents and together we make a team and become the body of Christ. 

Week 7.1

Initially we were all supposed to go to UCLA FCA camp this week, but things didn't work out so we had a relaxing week and worked on getting caught up on some of our projects.

I was really wanting to go to UCLA so I ended up going to UCLA camp on Saturday while some of the other girls went to Hollywood. UCLA FCA camp is the biggest camp (i think) in the country with about 700 total campers.  I got to spend the day down there and loved it!  I didn't know exactly what I was going to be doing there but I ended up getting to coach and hang out with the campers for the day.  There were about 50 volleyball players there and two of my friends were huddle leaders so it was fun to hang out with them. Had I gone one day earlier, I would have gotten to meet Tim Tebow! Darn :(

At UCLA camp I ended up getting to coach defense with another coach who played at Long Beach State (one of my dream schools when I was younger). ;)  It was so cool to build a relationship with her and learn from her coaching.  It would have been so easy to step in to that gym with so many great coaches and college players and go back to my old sinful ways.  In the past I would have easily compared my playing and coaching abilities to theirs. I would have been intimidated and afraid to play or coach out of fear of what others were thinking of me.  I am so grateful that God's grace has rid me of that mindset.  Because of His grace I am free to be the player and coach that He has made me.  I am not a "perfect" player or coach, don't know the best drills, don't have the vertical or speed of a Division 1 player, or have the experience that some have, but I trust and believe that God has given me the gifts that He wants me to have and has placed me where He wants me to be.  Having more security in Christ gives me the freedom to be bold as a coach.  God gave me peace and allowed opportunites to speak to the players as I coached them.  I was able to share with them how I recognized God in the midst of stressful games.  Maybe I can come back next summer and be a huddle leader! :)

One of the things us interns get to do is lead a small group.  It has been a little crazy finalizing small groups, but my friend Rachel and I finally got to start ours this week.  We were blessed to have a local mom host us and invite 12 pre-teens over to her house for a small group.  It was such a blessing to be able to talk to these girls and share my story with them.  I have never lead a small group other than a quick 10 minute ones after an FCA event.  It was so fun getting to know these girls, hearing their teenage girl problems and being able to listen to God give me the words to say back to them.  I am so excited to spend some more time with these girls. :) Immediatley after small groups, one of the girls sent me a sweet text saying, "Thank you soooo much! I alrady feel closer to God."  It's crazy how something so simple can make a huge impact.